This happened 3 years ago today:
Anniversaries can be weird and often a struggle when it comes to this event in my life but today will always be a celebration. It was a crazy day getting closure on so many levels but also feeling like I was able to somehow make a difference by sharing my story publicly and allowing the media into the courtroom. I think it’s so important we share stories of violence so that our society can come to terms with how often it happens and how very many of us are affected daily by it. It never goes away. The person we were before the assault is usually gone, but if we’re lucky as I have been, we can rebuild a new life, reconnect with parts of our old self and be proud of the new person we have become.
I feel stronger for what I endured and I have hope that I will see a day when people will no longer feel shame in talking about the experience of rape that was in no way their fault and really is no different from any other injury when it comes to just feeling free to discuss it.
I hope I see a day when the crime of rape is viewed as the serious life-destroying crime it is by all law enforcement and judges who have the power to set an example by understanding and demonstrating that committing rape is not a momentary innocent lapse in judgement deserving only a tap on the wrist and concern for the rapist’s future rather than the person he victimized. I hope I see a day when all judges see it necessary to insist every rapist face the true damage they have done and take a stand to protect and defend the rights of rape victims by clarifying that rape is not a sexual act, it is an act of violence, whether visible scars are there or not. That rape is stealing someone’s power, taking away their control, violating their dignity, their self-worth and their body. Rape is saying “I don’t care what you say, it doesn’t matter because I am entitled to take you and hurt you and I could not care less about what you want because you are irrelevant”. That is what drives a rapist and we have got to come to terms with that.
I hope I can do my part to help move towards making these visions a reality in my own community and beyond. This week I will begin work on an advisory committee here in my hometown of London, Ontario where I hope to be part of an important and productive coming together of activists and law enforcement. I hope I can continue to speak publicly to give a voice to rape survivors where often we have not had one. In the coming week and months I hope to continue this with a few different plans I am putting in motion.
I’ve been proud of a lot I have been able to accomplish over the past few years but I must also acknowledge my shortcomings. I receive so many messages from people all over the world that have seen my story on the Discovery channel program, “Kidnapped” or through a media story like this one. I have had some inspiring conversations online with courageous women sharing their own personal stories with me but I am ashamed to admit I have also gotten some messages I have been unable to reply to because I often feel unworthy of the kindness strangers take time to express to me after seeing my story on television or I am terrified I cannot live up to their expectations. This is is something I want to remedy because I don’t want to be someone that feels undeserving. That is the part of me that still needs healing, that still battles with thinking the violence I experienced was somehow merited. It’s a daily struggle even all these years later. My conscious self knows it to be untrue but the unconscious is a sneaky force filled with a thread of self-loathing that pops up with blame in unfortunate uncontrollable places. This year I will work consciously to face that darker force and embrace my vulnerability more. It’s easy to praise someone when they are demonstrating courage but those of us that have received that praise turn it inside out when we’re alone in darker moments. Feeling unworthy of praise can be projected inwards into a feeling that we are living a lie. If someone sharing kind words of support or admiration is received when we are not actually feeling that way it can feel like we are not being authentic if we accept it. It’s a scary feeling to wonder when the whole world is going to figure out you’re a fraud. That you’re no hero or courageous woman but just a terrified girl trying to get by the best way that she can. But it’s important to embrace and acknowledge this vulnerability as strength as well.
For me it was comedy that saved me. It’s humour that got me through the most horrific times. And it’s my sense of humour that made me strong. I can’t imagine the rape exam and rape kit without my inappropriate humour guiding me through. I can’t imagine the last 14 years. Taking my vulnerability, my perceived weakness, and turning it into power. That’s how I got through it. One joke at a time. 🙂
So on the anniversary of this day when I was able to feel incredible strength and then have the gift of massive public support for that strength, I want to celebrate by spending some serious time embracing my vulnerability and acknowledging that as strength too. Because I haven’t gotten to fully be Me yet. It’s just not me until there’s a joke somewhere, as inappropriate as that might seem in this situation. So on this day, when I know I am just a silly funny girl that makes inappropriate jokes at every inappropriate moment… a one time comic still ruled by the Standup inside of me… I am acknowledging that it’s because of this that I was able to face the man that raped me and tell him what his brutal actions did to me and then forgive him.
But I swear there is a punchline here. I just haven’t found it yet. But I will and I am certain that it will happen by embracing my vulnerability. It’s time to go back and look at the pain. And turn that pain into power. Because that’s what comedy is: Turning pain into power. There is no Comedy without Tragedy and no tragedy without comedy. It’s the Ying and the Yang, People. And I need to have both so it’s time to dig deep. It’s time to find my funny again. It’s time to Write. It’s time to find out how this story really ends.
Thanks for being part of it so far… 🙂 <3